How to Foster Resilience in Children, Internalization.

As much as we might want to, we can't protect our children forever. Eventually, life happens. There's going to be scrapes and tears, disappointments and heart-aches. "How do I help my child be resilient?" is one of the questions I get most often when I tell people I'm a psychologist. Parents and caregivers always want to help make sure their child is ready for life's ups and downs. From the stresses of standardized testing to being able to get on with life after a breakup, things are going to happen and when they do how a child responds to their own emotions will affect how they are able to respond to the situation. One of the many things that can influence whether a person is resilient is internalization. Understanding how children internalize their caregivers can help to prepare them for challenges later on in life.

When children are very young they rely on their caregivers for all of their physical and emotional needs. As they get older they need their parents less. In time, they are able to soothe and regulate their emotions by remembering the things their parents have said and done in the past. When they are scared at night they can remember their caregiver telling them “it’s ok, you don't need to be afraid of the dark.” When they're worried before taking a test they can remember their caregiver saying "you've got this, I believe in you!" When they feel alone they can remember what it felt like to be held. When a specific unpleasant emotion comes up they remember what their caregivers have said and done in response to that emotion. The caregivers’ behaviors have become internalized by the child. This learned pattern of behavior, and the associated feelings, forms the basis for how they go on to respond to their own emotions, the emotions of others, and how they expect others to respond to their emotions.

The key point is this:

How you talk to your child now is how they will talk to themselves later.

The words, the tone of voice. All of it. The things you say will echo in their mind for years to come. The things you do, they will repeat. The positive moments but also the things you wish you could take back.

So, say and do the things you want them to remember later. Tell them they are loved and deserve to be happy. Hold them when they're sad. Shower them with praise and encouragement. Eventually they will be too big to let you hug them and say everything will be ok, so give that to them while you can. Tell them it's okay to be scared; that it's okay to be angry. Show them how to be calm even when their emotions are big and scary. Show them it's okay to reach out for help when they need it. Cheer them on whenever something is difficult but they keep trying. Make the echo of your voice louder than the anxiety and self-doubt that will inevitably try to creep in. Tell them you love them more than you think you need to. Say the things you wish someone had said to you. Keep your own frustrations in check and they will be more likely to do the same. Respond to their emotions in ways you hope they will later in life. Set a high bar for the level of support and compassion they will come to expect from others.

We can’t control what the world will throw at our children. But we can increase the likelihood that they are able to handle whatever stresses and difficulties come their way later by supporting them emotionally now.

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